Perhaps, there are some who will read this and not understand. But, you have not had a divorce, with children involved (thank God). If you have, you may have had a time like this. Though, I hope not.

I had already had a divorce. I had watched my little daughter, three years old at the time, be pulled to pieces; a struggle between my daughter’s safety and just loving her. But, I had vowed that would never happen to a child of mine, again.

I married, again, meaning my pledges with all my heart (vowing it was forever). I even found courage to try to have a family, again. My son was the first, then a daughter.

I spent so many hours caring for my son, while completing my studies, that the bonding was the strongest ever in my life. My son was 2, my daughter 6 months, when, once again, it all fell apart. The harder I tried to pull it together, the more it fell apart.

Court was a joke. A man, whom the court appointed and I paid, forgot half the square feet in my house, forgot I had a room for each of the kids, and forgot I took the children to their baby sitter and I picked them up. He forgot my fenced yard. But, I still had to pay his full price.

One evening, I came home, broken so bad I thought my insides would just disintegrate, aching for the kids. I wondered how I even lived. I walked into my son’s room. Some of his toys were on the floor and I began picking them up. They were his farm animals.

I just laid down on the floor and began crying. I arranged all the animals and the corals, the barn and other trucks. I lay there, missing him so bad.

I returned to work and, when I came in that night, my ex-wife had been there for some of their clothing. I don’t know if it was done on purpose. But, it might as well have been. For, the little things I had arranged were strewn all over the room, in disarray. It was like a "force" had slapped me down, again. I just couldn’t stand any more.

I was a medical technician. So, I got a needle, put one end in my vein and the other end in a gallon jar. I took all the rest of some sleeping pills I had and prayed that God would forgive me and understand that I had already had all the pain I could endure.

When I woke up, first, I was surprised. The blood had coagulated. But, I had lost a lot of it.

What was there to do, but to go to work? So I went, pale and weak. It was very visible, lots of questions that I didn’t care to answer.

One day, I shared this with my mother. She said she crawled in my skin and wrote this, for there are many men like me. I know there is a God and that He loves us. I don’t understand suffering. I know this tells how I felt that night. Time is a friend, in the end. And, those moments in which my whole being was screaming is muted some, now. It would have to be for me to go on living.

I had thought I could explain, some day, to my kids and they would understand. But, I see, now, that even that small comfort will not be mine. They have lived with their mother, not being pulled on by me. And, to explain any more would only tear down a relationship they need. Many things down here are left for eternity to finish.

Somewhere, out there, a man, like me, is agonizing and maybe needs to know someone else does understand.