Hi
I don't know where to begin, but I feel I have something to share with you which I hope will be a blessing and an inspiration to you all.

I was abused as a child, in just about everyway, it took years for me to be able to overcome it all after becoming an adult, with much prayer and the help of God. I forgave, and I loved my parents until they died.

In 1970, I was married a man, whom I thought I knew and whom I loved very much. When we met, I was working for the Baptist Ministerial Association, and I was a Christian, but he wasn't, my first mistake. He was a hard working man, and was good to me most of the time I thought. He was a Vietnam Veteran but seemed to be as normal as anyone else with no problems relating to his experience in Viet Nam. He wasn't rich, in fact it took us a life time of hard to accomplish what we wanted to accomplish.

In 1972, I was pregnant with my son, I had cancer, lost my kidney and a few other parts, but God brought me through that too. My was born prematurely and has had problems as a result. He is not 30 and has been a diabetic since he was 15. He's had learning problems all his life. I've had a lot of health problems in my life time, but it's amazing how he's never let me down in making me able to live with what I've had to suffer through over the years.

In 1979, he was saved at the time, and for what ever reasons he turned back on God, started drinking, running around, cheating on me. It was a devastating time for me as I was a Christian and didn't understand why God allowed it to happen, as I knew he could have stopped it. But then I didn't realize that every man had free will to choose and make decisions with being forced to do anything. Eight months after the cheating started, and much heartache and suicidal thoughts, I filed for a divorce. We filed together. Six months later, we reconciled.

For the next two years, I lived with so much confusion within me. I was still hurting and it was so hard to get beyond the pain I suffered at his hands, and my disappointment in God. I blamed God, I felt like he had failed me so badly. It took two years for me to get my head and heart straight, but it took praying daily, much tears, and much patients on God's part. Eventually God brought me to some understanding of what had gone on, and how to overcome it all and he did help me do that.

The following years were good most of the time. I stuck by him no matter what, through sickness, hard times, good times, health, whatever. I made many sacrifices for him, but there were many rewards.

I continued to serve my Living God and was determined to never walk away from him, regardless of how I failed or how many mistakes I made. I was determined to die trying to serve him, to make it to heaven. I was faced with many trials and temptations along the way. I wrote many gospel songs, based on personal experiences and the things God had shown me, taught me, along the way.

In 1987, I compiled 11 songs of my own and recorded them at a studio, hoping to reach the lost, to encourage the weak, to lift the hands hanging down, to point everyone who heard my voice to Jesus. Before I recorded them I told God this: ''If I never sell these tapes that's ok, if I have to give them away, that's ok, as long as one soul is saved from dying lost.'' So I didn't even try really to do anything with them as far as making money. But many people heard the songs, bought the tapes, took it upon themselves to make sure others heard the songs. I got phones calls from people I didn't even know, telling me what a blessing the songs were to them, asking me for more, even if it was just something I did at home. However, my husband was lost, and I was very restricted as to how much I could do.

In 1992 and 1994, I had to have surgery on my vocal chord, (twice). I had polyps and they had to be removed. This affected my voice, and now I can't sing like I did. It hurts. I made the statement before this happened, the once thing Satan couldn't take from me was my singing ability because God had given it to me. But he proved me wrong. This was devastating to me.... it changed my whole life.

In 1991, My Dad died, in 1997, Mother died. My husband was off on a fishing trip when my Dad died. He left knowing my Dad was dieing. I was left alone to deal with it. My Dad died that night. My Mom died after many years of suffering, in 1997, even though my husband was there, he was NOT there for me during this time. I dealt with it alone mostly.

In 1995, my husband was laid off from his job, and he had a lot of things wrong healthwise and filed for disability. He got it in one month. Not heard of before. My husband started running around again, drinking, staying out, using me as a taxi when he was too intoxicated to drive himself home. He was verbally abusive to me and our son. He treated us both like he hated us. He got involved in getting his VA benefits and things got worse and worse. He became so filled with greed, he didn't care what was right or wrong to do, he just did what he wanted to. I didn't matter, his son didn't matter, family didn't matter, God didn't matter. He wanted this he wanted that, material things, fun times, no matter what the cost. Nothing mattered but him.

I was very ill in Feb, 1998. After coming home from the hospital he put me through a very trying time. I left home for three days, tried to kill myself but thank God he woke me up and brought me back to my senses. My husband told me at that time, after 27 years of marriage and him owning me, that we couldn't own each other. He told me he had worked hard all his life and now he just wanted to have fun for the rest of his remaining life. That left me out of the picture, I wasn't in his plans. So I decided if I was going to live with this man, I had to just pray about it, trust God and whatever happened, it was out of my hands to control. So I did.

The next two years were worse. His words became more cruel, he neglected, and rejected me and our son and home life, family. It was like he was doing everything he could to run me off, to rid himself of any responsibilities. And that was actually what he was really doing. He was seeing someone else at the time also, I knew it but couldn't prove it, didn't know who she was. In Dec, 1999, he struck the final blow with something he did, that hurt really bad. It was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I made a decision. I couldn't live like that anymore. I was so tired, so worn out, I was living in hell on earth if there is one. I couldn't go on anymore like that. I had tried so hard to stick with him, to get through each day with the help of God. I didn't want a divorce, I didn't want my marriage to be over, but I was living with a stranger, I didn't know this man at all. I was so tired, I didn't ask for alimony, or anything from him. I just wanted out. I wanted some peace. More than anything I wanted God, and to hold onto him, regardless of what else I lost. But we filed for divorce, even though I had asked for legal separation to give us time to work things out. He said no, it had to be a divorce or nothing. He moved in with another woman shortly afterwards.

The next six months, I sunk into a deep hole of darkness and depression. I struggled daily to live, even though I really wanted to die. It was a battle, a war. I knew I needed help, I knew I couldn't go on, wouldn't last long if I didn't get help. So I did. I went to my sisters for six weeks, where a minister came to the house nearly everyday and talked with me and prayed with me even when I wasn't able to put words together to form a prayer of my own. I got the help I needed to pull myself up by the bootstraps and think about tomorrow as actually coming to pass. I got my own place and barely survived.

My husband talked me into getting back together with him shortly after I had my own place. Like a dummy I did. The woman he had moved in with dumped him, after he had spent about five thousand dollars on her.

Immediately after papers were signed by a judge, to annul the divorce, his attitude changed, all the promises he had made were just words, to get me come back, so he could control the spending of the money from the sell of our house. That's the only reason he did it. I cried, I suffered, daily during the whole six months we were together. Finally he left in Jan. 2002 and left me with nothing, no way to live, again. He told me time and time again, if we divorced again, things would be the way they were in the last divorce, and that was with him paying no alimony, me getting no furniture, nothing. So he had plans all along to leave. He was cheating again.

Anyway, he filed for divorce, I finally got an attorney of my own, and I faced reality. It was over, never again would I be with him. I fought for my rights legally, which he never expected me to do. He expected me to just disappear like I had both times before and do nothing in my own defense. But thank God he made me able to stand up and fight the battle, face the battle. God worked it out so I can survive even thought my standard of living has decreased tremendously.

I thank God that he has stood by me and didn't forsake me. He made me strong when I should have crumbled into little pieces. God fought my battle for me. When I felt there was no reason to get up in the morning, he made me able to do it anyway. When I wanted to curl up in a ball and just go to sleep and never wake up again, he put his arms around me, let me cry on his shoulder, and gave me the strength to stand up on my feet again. When I had no reason to live, and didn't want to live, he reminded me I had him, I had his love, I had his promises, I had a whole lot. He was my comforter, he was my life, he was still right there with me, in the darkness of the long lonely days and nights. He met my needs and still does. I look to him for the air I breathe, the food I eat, the shelter over my head, the bed I sleep in. It's all because of him that I am alive today. He is a God that never fails, never sleeps. After 30 years of marriage, by the time the divorce was finished, my husband was gone, and God was still there. My home was gone, my life as I knew it was gone, all material things were gone, my identity as a wife, everything gone. But God was still there. He never left me, he didn't forsake me. Oh hallelujah to Jesus, I can never say enough good things about God. What a Savior is he!!!!

Divorced, and alone, I keep to myself now, and have for the past two years, just trying to survive life. I have witnessed to many through the internet, and through a divorce support site which I created with another woman in Feb. 2002. I have pointed many to God, sowing the seed to those who were without, letting God do the rest. It's not a religious site, but one of support for those hurting because of divorce. Right now I am taking a break from that site, because I have spent so much time there during the last year, I need to rest my mind and focus on moving forward with life. This I am trying to do now.

I have learned so much from all I've gone through. Life is a lesson daily.

I pray somehow, for whatever reason, you, someone, will be encouraged to take another step forward today, tomorrow, everyday, because even Christians are not immune to suffering in this life. We have to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, deal with it as it comes. We have to focus on the positive, and my positive is God, and I know what lies ahead. Praise God.

God bless you each in your efforts to sow the seeds. Praise God forever for he is still there when everything else is gone!!!!! If all we have is him, then that's enough, that's everything.

Lucy